I have been quiet in this little corner for almost a year now; contemplating where I am in my writing life, where I want to go, and how I want to use this space. I began this Substack as a place to explore faith and life, but since then I’ve entered a place somewhere between devotion and apostasy. How I was writing a year ago is no longer true for me. But when I sit down to write for this publication, I find myself consistently writing on one particular subject and I’ve been hesitant to full move into this topic.
But first a little background on how I’ve entered this place.
I am a once-and-never-again pastor reflecting on toxic church culture. I was literally born into a toxic church culture, reared under the influence of toxic church and spiritual leaders who, one after another, manipulated and betrayed me. When I became a pastor myself, I realized that these formative experiences left me without the ability to differentiate healthy spiritual environments from the unhealthy. I could not see the difference between toxic spiritual mentors who would manipulate me for their own benefit and those who truly intended my good. After the final, devastating, betrayal I was done.
When I accepted my that not only was my pastoral vocation was requiring me to continue to betray my own needs and sense of self, but also all significant spiritual formation toward this vocation had been toxic, I left. It was not as simple as needing to heal from these painful experiences, but rather that I need explore my story; to bear witness to my systematic wounding at the hands of the wider Church institution that, frankly, is unconcerned about the bodies under the buses.1
On the other side of my own therapeutic and spiritual work, I believe that many of us in the American church do not recognize our unhealthy spiritual leaders and environments. Quite frankly, many of us have never known anything else. We unwittingly hand our loyalty, our trust, to those who are unconcerned if they hurt us.
But I believe that life is too beautiful and precious to be wasted in spiritually abusive institutions and systems.
I’ve wavered when it comes to writing on church and spiritual abuse. The truth is that I am no longer in church and am unsure if I will be again. I have not published any Substack post in a year because spiritual abuse and toxic church culture is the only prose I can seem to write for this platform, but I am not certain if it is true and right for me to write about a culture I am no longer a part of transforming. Even though I am going to be leaning into writing more on church hurt and toxicity, I’m still not sure 100% sure this is the right move. I tell you this to emphasize that I write with a sense of gravity; this is what is burning in my bones that I cannot, will not, contain.
What I want for myself I want for you – let’s learn to recognize church abuse and spiritual leaders who intend our harm. Come with me as we refuse to turn away from red flags or give the benefit of the doubt.
Firstly, I hope these essays are both a balm for the spiritually wounded. I hope they are a place of validation and solidarity.
Secondly, I hope these posts nurture the spirituality of those looking to leave or return to the Church. I hope they are a place of empowerment and education.
Lastly, I hope that my writing invites you and I to continue to cultivate a life of curiosity and compassion – whether that is in the faith or without. Or, like me, somewhere in between.
I am borrowing this language directly from Mark Driscoll’s description of his own abuse victims.
I'm here for it!